Tag Archives: entertainment

Today – A Guest Blog

1 Aug

For your enjoyment, I’ve asked a friend and fellow blogger, Jason at  Mongo Like Internets, to share an especially near and dear message. Read on and take heed.

Turn

 I’ve had bigger spots on my lip and I never stopped whistlin’. 

~ Max “No-No” Fry

 My late Grandfather No-No always told us this after an injury to make us tough. Recently I’ve come to realize it’s a useful metaphor for many of life’s troubles. Basically, for all of life’s troubles.  The message?  Don’t freak out about the small stuff.  A clichéd statement I know, but it seems to be one that most people forget about, as they get older.

 Speaking of getting older…

We live in the Future.  As children we played with technology our parents never dreamed about, and in turn, our children do the same.  Technology like cell phones, the Internet, blogs, etc. has created a sounding board for every thought, idea, and dream to be broadcast to anyone that will listen.  This seems to be the point where some people start to have issues about our newfound amplified voices; they become offended if our beliefs and thoughts don’t align with theirs.  They complain, gossip, and spread fear that our words are damaging to the Common Good.  In most cases those complaining don’t give a rat’s ass about any Common Good.  They’re just upset about something challenging their own sensibilities and thoughts about life.

 Well, I have a solution.

 Turn.

 Yes, TURN.

 Turn it off.  Turn your head.  Turn the channel.  Turn the page.  Turn to something positive in your life.  Turn into oncoming traffic.

 Just…turn.

If you don’t like it move your eyes, brain, fat ass, or whatever else is being affected to an area of less concerning stimuli.  I swear it won’t hurt our feelers.  We probably never even knew you were watching because, and here’s the Lesson, WE DON’T DO IT FOR YOU.  Shocking, I know.  Some of us, scratch that, most of us write about life, pass on funny videos, write songs, or draw penises on dirty car windows because we are expressing ourselves.  WE enjoy it, and if we’re lucky enough for some others to stumble across our work and it makes them think, or even crack the slightest smile, well then, it’s all gravy, baby.

 Shall we review one last time so we can leave this here lil corner of cyberspace on the same page?

 If you don’t like something you view upon your own free will, then…

 Turn.

And remember, if you ever get butt hurt about something you saw or read on the Internet, or anywhere else for that matter, the author of that content has probably had bigger spots on their lip and they never stopped whistlin’.

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Jimmy Kimmel – Tonight

26 Jul

Remember that blog I mentioned last week, Mongo Like Internets, that a friend of mine – Jason – recently started?

Sure you do…

Well, Jason contacted the Jimmy Kimmel producers in response to a call for people to be live on the show (via video feed). Long-ish story short, he was a finalist being considered for the segment. After a few “meetings” (Skype) with the producer, a little shootin’ the sh*t, and a comment he made to her about how the high temperatures in the country are causing puppies and the elderly to spontaneously ignite… voila… he was selected from hundreds (millions? trillions?) of other entrants for tonight’s Jimmy Kimmel Live show …

Anyway, in preparation for part of tonight’s segment (a scavenger hunt), Jason asked friends for ideas as to what might be on the scavenger list, first providing us with examples of actual items from previous Kimmel scavenger hunts:

  • Something in your house that vibrates,
  • Hair from a hairbrush,
  • Ugliest thing in your house.

People quickly misread the request and said

“Toothbrush!”

“Something that vibrates!”

“What? YOU can’t come up with an idea of something that vibrates?!?”

His response to these initial suggestions:

“Uh… I need examples LIKE the questions, not answers”.

Helpfully, people responded to that with suggestions like “get the hair from the dog brush” and “your ass!”…

I was right there with everyone, even less helpful, in fact… My completely-off-the-mark suggestions included a misting fan, a sun hat with a neck flap, and a pellet gun, which would have been great if he had asked “What should I wear tonight?” or “How can I protect myself from puppies and elderly people?”

Can’t wait to see what happens. Hopefully he’ll become rich, famous and desperate to give his friends money.

Good luck, Jason!!

Fun Shtuff

15 Jul

Here lies a link to a blog that is full of funny, bizarre, witty commentary and links to more of the same:

Mongo Like Internets – Try it – you’ll like it – or possibly be offended – either way, his comments alone are worth a visit. Okay. Alright. I guess that’s all for me. I just don’t have much to say at the moment. Other than this, obviously… this being I don’t have very much to say lately.

Perhaps you’ve noticed.

I haven’t quit my blog, I’ve just nothing to say. I’m feeling a little feisty, though, which is mandatory for me to pontificate.

Love…

 

Sleep Deprivation Is No Laughing Matter

10 May

It isn’t funny. Babies don’t sleep. In fact, toddlers don’t sleep either, which means adults with children sleep, on average, 14 hours in a four-year time period. So that sucks.

But this book doesn’t suck. You should read it – even if you don’t have kids. 

Here it is: Sleep. 

Thank you to my friend JM for sharing.

Dear Diary

25 Apr
Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

Dear Diary,

The other day I noticed that someone was missing from Facebook. She was my friend last week, but not today.

“Huh,” I wondered as I painted my toenails (Essie – a greyish color), “she was funny. I wonder what happened to her?”

Well! You will never, ever guess what she did! The bitch de-friended me!! What have I ever done to her? Nothing.

Right? Nothing?

Wrong.

I missed her Facebook mandate. “My boyfriend and I broke up. Those of you who do not IMMEDIATELY de-friend him will be really sorry… and boy, do I mean it. I mean it!”

Wait. What?

That’s not even a believable April Fool’s Day joke. Who would think that was for real? I would understand if she de-friended him, of course, but why am I involved? I’ve never even met the guy.

Alas, who cares besides me and you, Diary? I’m sensitive. And sometimes even needy. So when someone goes out of their way to let me know they don’t like me, I’m not only curious but I’m irritated with myself… clearly I’ve misread some idiot and have wasted my time by clicking on “yes“ when THEY asked to be MY friend on stupid Facebook.

In fact, I go well out of my way to avoid people in general who:

A) I don’t like

B) Are crazy

C) Ask me what my husband does for a living (at least not the very moment we meet – the answer is tricky. Not everyone can appreciate how hard pimps work. Plus, HELLO! If they even deigned to ask me what I did for a living they would probably figure out what my husband does)

D) Confuse me as someone who has no peripheral vision (which would be the only excuse for those women who blatantly give the once-over… “Yes. I can see you deducing my worth and, unless you’re interested in talking to my pimp, I suggest you take your business elsewhere”)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah – so then, Diary, guess what? I noticed today that someone else didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I think it’s because I didn’t “like” her status updates frequently enough – which were word-for-word the same as another guy’s posts I read.

His posts are hilarious. When he writes them the first time. Which is right after he thinks them up and then posts them. First. He writes them first. Because he thought them up all by himself.

Whatever – that’s enough out of me for one day, and, as you know, I try to end my day with humble reflection and purposeful gratitude. So:

Reflection:

I admit I am occasionally offensive (As you well know, right diary? Ha ha! Whew – we have some great memories, you and I);

Gratitude:

I am thankful that most people:

A) Have a life; and

B) Don’t go all bat-shit-crazy and de-friend others in an attempt to display their power.

Alrighty. Good talk. BFF.

Public Service Announcement

15 Feb
"Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases - As ...

Image via Wikipedia

Hi there.

This is going to be short and sweet. You might consider printing it out and sharing it with your disgusting co-workers or fellow airline passengers.

Under no circumstances is it appropriate to snort your snot LOUDLY and REPEATEDLY in a public place. You are startling people! If people clutch their chests in shock and cringe as they look over at you, yet you keep at it, expect fewer social invitations.

In addition, it is not acceptable to hack and cough in a manner that suggests you’re dying – I’m talking about the scary, loud, dramatic “look-at-me” cough that goes on for ten minutes – unless you are certain you are dying. Even then, it’s iffy.

At the very least, please escort yourself and your repulsive display of illness elsewhere.

KTHXBAI!

You’re Fat

13 Jan

I am thankful to have been asked to be a guest-blogger on The Real Housewives of Oklahoma. My post is just fabulous. Just. Fabulous. Really.

Kiddin’. But it does cement your insecurities as to the media’s perception of your fat arse. And mine.

xo

Return It To The Freezer. Now.

The Sedaris Empire

9 Jan
Me Talk Pretty One Day

Image via Wikipedia

I love David Sedaris and Amy Sedaris. The wit. The way they don’t temper their comments. Amy is ridiculous. Brilliant. David’s writing makes me feel like I’m drunk on a combination of wit, awe, and hysteria. The poignancy he weaves into his stories will sneak up on you and might even make you cry. If you’re a crybaby. Which I am.

Anyone who doesn’t find them funny is lacking in the intelligence department.

Read Naked or Me Talk Pretty One Day if you’re up for your sides to split wide open.

Amy’s latest book, Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People, is genius, too.

Some links for your viewing pleasure:

You Got Me Where You Want Me

2 Jan

Again.

I want to get away. I need to get away… Back Against the Wall is one of Cage the Elephant’s best songs.

I’m inserting the video even though the jerks at YouTube [correction: Vevo is the jerk, not YouTube]  won’t let you actually watch it from here – you’ll have to follow their link. (They won’t share most videos with WordPress users, only Blogger users.)

This week they have the free single, Around My Head, on iTunes so check it out if you’re so inclined. Have a nice day.

Mrs. Palladia

31 Dec

I am in love with Palladia. So why don’t I marry it, you ask?

Maybe I will. Maybe I’ve been putting a little thought into our future together.

Our honeymoon would probably be in Venice, but I want to go to the Glendalough area someday, too, so we’ll just have to see. We will hold hands and skip everywhere we go whilst we sing and sing.

Our children would likely resemble Eddie Vedder, Jay-Z, two of the four members of the Kings of Leon band, Lenny Kravitz, and… well, me.

Do you even have to ask which two?

If you play your cards right I will invite you to the wedding – it will be awesome.

Wait ’til you hear about all of the bands who will be performing at the reception…

 

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