Tag Archives: Dictionaries

Mrs. Palladia

31 Dec

I am in love with Palladia. So why don’t I marry it, you ask?

Maybe I will. Maybe I’ve been putting a little thought into our future together.

Our honeymoon would probably be in Venice, but I want to go to the Glendalough area someday, too, so we’ll just have to see. We will hold hands and skip everywhere we go whilst we sing and sing.

Our children would likely resemble Eddie Vedder, Jay-Z, two of the four members of the Kings of Leon band, Lenny Kravitz, and… well, me.

Do you even have to ask which two?

If you play your cards right I will invite you to the wedding – it will be awesome.

Wait ’til you hear about all of the bands who will be performing at the reception…

 

Advertisements

Smug

21 Dec

Smug? Smug.

It turns out that my physical therapist is particularly kind and unassuming resulting in a slight adjustment in my plans to get him to loosen up, but don’t fret. He has made eye contact with me numerous times and today he laughed a couple of times – he is completely shocked into laughter when I say the simplest things. He did seem kind of defensive today, though, now that I think about it.

He told me about a Christmas gift (clothing) he bought for his “beautiful and sweet” wife who “looks great in anything”. Why the “beautiful”? I mean it’s very endearing if you’re his wife, but to everyone else it comes across as if he’s trying to convince us. Who, in passing, says “My gorgeous husband who makes me laugh everyday – EVERYDAY – is perfect. We are always just so happy. And I love him. I really do. And what was I going to tell you? Oh yeah… I’m buying him some new pants for Christmas.”

Bless his sweet heart. I think. But guess what else… I taught him a new word today.

I mentioned my opinion about a woman who is smug. He said “Ma’am?” (he really did… he always does). I said:

“What?”

“What does that word mean?”

“Smug? Oh. It means… ummm… that someone is self-satisfied,” which was not enough information for him and he really wanted more. Several other people were watching us and listening, in what I assume to be shock that he didn’t just pretend he knew what it meant. Some bad acting on my part followed (it’s hard to explain smug without making that face… you know, with lips half pursed/half smiling, arms crossed).

“Oh. Like ‘It’s what I say and that’s it?'”

“Yes.”

“I have never heard that word used before.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

It makes me tired just thinking of it… yes, I could have gone on to explain it better, but to what end? His basic grasp will be just enough for him to label people. Like me, it appears from this post.

All for now… Adios.

Do Not Eat

1 Dec

I have a list of things I long to do but don’t, based solely on the warning labels that accompany the objects of my temptation. Thankfully, someone out there (in legal) has repeatedly saved me from myself and my complete disregard for common sense.

When I read these warnings I automatically fill in the blank at the end of the message with “you freakin’ idiot”, as in:

Do not eat the cardboard box that contains your scalding hot pizza. Only eat the pizza. Do not eat the box. Only the pizza. Which contains dairy. And maybe came in contact with soy. Or peanuts. Eat the pizza. Not the box. You freakin’ idiot.

I mean, seriously – it’s clearly implied, as is the sneer on the face of the author.

I would prefer that evolution and survival of the fittest supersede these warnings, but what do I know (besides how to spell supersede and use it in a sentence).

My latest temptation was to eat seventeen bars of soap at  my local grocery store. Fortunately I saw the warning just in time:

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to exercise my random act of kindness for the day and shoot an e-mail to legal at a few companies. I have some suggestions for future labels:

“This hairdryer is not a toy. If you plug it in, turn it on, and then toss it to your babbling baby who is playing nearby in the bathtub, something bad will happen. Also, the hairdryer will stop functioning and the warranty will be void.”

“This package of candy Lifesavers is NOT actually going to save your life. If you cannot swim and you choose to jump into the ocean relying solely on this candy as a flotation device, you will drown.”

“Do not attempt to wear this pillow as a hat, as it may decrease your ability to see while driving. Which reminds us, do not attempt to rest your head on this pillow while driving either, as you may fall asleep. Do not sleep while driving.”

You freakin’ idiot.

A Sad Tail

19 Nov

When I was in 2nd grade I learned about homophones – words that are pronounced the same but have different meanings (bear and bare).

I didn’t know what homophone meant yet (and frankly won’t remember what it means by this time tomorrow) but I did know the correct pronunciation of most three-letter words, including tin, ten, and tan. In my mind these were clearly not homophones; sadly, I was about to be taught differently.

“These words are pronounced the same, but each has a different meaning,” said Mrs. L. She read them aloud as she wrote them on the chalkboard… “Tin [tin], tin [ten], and tin [tan].”

“Blah blah blah,” was all I heard after that. I was offended by her ineptitude. Concerned, even. What in the hell was she talking about?

I told my parents about it but I don’t recall them being terribly worried… maybe they assumed I would not be so easily swayed. I never pronounced them words tan and ten like tin, though, so I guess they was rite.

Today my 7-year-old daughter is in 2nd grade and recently misspelled the word “whisk” on her spelling test.

Please see the correction made by her teacher.

I spanked ’em both.

%d bloggers like this: