Who Has A Mullet Now, Beotch?

28 Dec

It was 6:00a.m. and I pretended to be asleep when I heard my 4-year-old sprinting toward my room. “Oopsy daisy!” said L at the top of her lungs in order to wake me up. “Oopsy daisy” is so far off from what she should have been exclaiming… it’s weak and poorly planned, not to mention misleading. The implication is that she dropped a toy or a piece of cheese, not that she has made a serious and lasting decision about her appearance – and all without consulting me, her stylist and closest confidante.

Regardless, there she was with a big smile on her face and a fistful of hair in her hand. I was convinced it was from her creepy human head hair styling toy, which is what I asked her: “Is that from your doll? The head?  You cut her hair?”

I wish I could do her expression justice by explaining it here, but it’s impossible. A rough interpretation would be that she smiled giddily at me in that guilty, holy-crap-I-can’t-believe-I-did-this way that only a 4 and 1/2 year-old can pull off, while simultaneously shaking her head. Nope. Guess again, mom.

“Shut the EFF up!!” I didn’t yell. Instead I did my dramatic gasp and began sobbing, “Are you shitting me? A friggin’ mullet? This is about me, isn’t it? I haven’t been paying enough attention to you? Or is it my cooking? Is it the hair-washing technique I’ve used at bath time? I’ve tried so hard to keep the soap out of your eyes! I have,” (here my sobbing turns in to crazed anger), “What the crap is going on around here? Doesn’t anyone care about how hard I try to make this family appear normal? Why, just yesterday you flushed your sister’s toothbrush, your own underwear, and some game pieces down the toilet. I turn my back for 3 seconds and now I have 3 feet of water in my house and an extremely unfortunate hairstyle on my child’s head.”

Nah. Actually, all of that is true except for my part of the dialogue. I just said, “What? Why? Where did you find scissors? Why do you want shorter hair? Why are you up in the middle of the night? It’s pitch black outside. Give me a minute to wake up…Jesus…”

And then I laughed (not in front of her) – because it’s FUNNY, I mean, so what? She was not trying to be naughty. She wanted shorter hair. She had some scissors. Now she has shorter hair. She is four.

On the other hand, if she does one more thing to test my patience – such as waking my ass up at 5:59a.m. for the 100th time in 100 days – I will sell her on Craigslist, unless I think I can get more money for her on e-bay.

“Feisty four-year-old female (human) – make offer.”


14 Responses to “Who Has A Mullet Now, Beotch?”

  1. KINGHAM December 28, 2010 at 9:50 pm #




    And it’s perfect because my 3.5 year old daughter Sophia was a poop face all day so I shaved her head.

    Now I can say it was a solidarity move for an old friend’s troubles…

  2. (you have no idea who you're dealing with) December 28, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    United we stand.

  3. Paige Tooman December 28, 2010 at 10:35 pm #

    Another reason I thank the Lord for boys. Cut your hair?? Get out the clippers, baby! Buzz time!!!

  4. Baloney December 28, 2010 at 11:07 pm #

    That’s hilarious! I’ve always loved your sense of humor.
    Any chance I can get you to guest post over at the RHOK? (www.therhok.com)
    ~ Jonni

  5. raegan December 29, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Today is the first day i have read ur blog……however not the last forsure!!! im hooked. dude u are truly halarious. I always knew u were more than just a pretty face 🙂 hehe
    love u

  6. (you have no idea who you're dealing with) December 29, 2010 at 9:46 am #

    Thanks you guys! I appreciate the feedback. And Jonni – I would love to! I’ve read that blog and love it. In fact, dinner tonight might be “tacos” on chips. I’ll e-mail you.

  7. amy December 29, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    I’m with Paige, I wish my boys would take scissors to their own heads!!
    L is so freakin cute she could actually pull off a buzz!!

  8. Sonja December 29, 2010 at 11:08 am #

    You ROCK my friend! I love you Blog because it makes me not miss you so much. Keep it up!!

  9. Joanie December 29, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    Awesome Amy! Still laughing!

  10. mom December 30, 2010 at 9:24 am #

    You HAVE missed your calling kid. You need to be a writer. Love and keep up the fun humor. Life can be way too serious.

  11. 80sfootball April 19, 2011 at 10:27 am #


  12. (you have no idea who you're dealing with) April 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    Thanks, 80s Football! Much appreciated.

  13. Amy Ahlfenger May 2, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Loved it! Too funny!

  14. Thanks, Amy! Happy Mother’s Day, by the way… see you tomorrow!

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